With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept
by Trappedinthestars13
Summary: "Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." Cat-centric fic. Angst/Hurt/Comfort. AU R


AN: The quote in the summary is said by Herman Hesse. This is a cat-centric fic that I decided to repost. I hope you enjoy and if you do then review and favorite!

"When breathing just passes the time  
Until we all just get old and die  
Now talking's just a waste of breath  
And living's just a waste of death"

-_Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying_, Fall Out Boy

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

Cat let her fingers run along her skin and trace abstract shapes. Her hand caused the water to ripple as she drew the figure of a broken heart on her stomach. Cat suddenly let her arm drop to her side as she leaned back in the tub and stared ahead.

Whenever she was having a bad day Cat would take a bath. The feel of water engulfing her body made Cat think. It opened up her mind and allowed her to analyze her life. The life that was burning a hole in her heart and mind. She didn't know why, but lately she had been slipping into a deep depression.

Maybe it's because she had finally realized the looks other people gave her. They weren't smiles, they were laughs. Cat loved laughing, but now it seemed like everyone and everything was laughing at her, not with her. She tried to shake off the feeling, but it was always there following her and creeping up on her when she would least expect it. Perhaps it was her way of telling herself that she was a joke.

Cat didn't like to dwell on that statement. A lot of people already thought she was mental; she didn't need people thinking she was a joke everyone could point and laugh at.

Cat shifted in the tub and let herself slide down a bit so the only part of her body above the surface was her head.

Cat also noticed how her friends reacted to everything she said. They gave her a _oh poor thing you have no idea what you're saying_ look. It didn't bother her before. She kept up her charade and giggled at everything, but for some reason she could no longer stop her smile from slipping every few seconds. They didn't realize it though. They were too busy listening to the stupid words coming out of her mouth.

Cat should've been insulted. But she was used to it. She didn't mind the stares anymore; she embraced them, making a bigger fool out of herself everyday so no one would think to themselves that something was wrong with Caterina Valentine. _She isn't smiling anymore_.

Maybe it was her fault that everyone viewed her that way. She didn't try to prove them wrong. She didn't want to burst the bubble that they had settled down into so comfortably. She didn't want to shatter their reality.

However, there was a part of her that badly wanted to prove everyone wrong. That's why she stopped trying to make herself feel better. Instead she wanted to feel.

"_You haven't been taking them." Cat looked up at her brother. She let his eyes search hers as he tried to figure out if his accusation was incorrect._

"_I know." Cat played with the food on her plate. She could still feel his eyes on her as she pushed around a piece of broccoli._

_Cat suddenly heard him sigh. "I don't want you to end up like me."_

_She set her fork down and stared into her brother's dark brown eyes. "I already am like you."_

Of course, her parents found out and forced herself to get better. So instead of laughter and happiness, silence echoed in her ears. Perhaps it was for the best. That's what her parents thought.

But she couldn't believe that. She would choose to feel broken and torn rather than to feel nothing at all. Pills were supposed to help mend the problem, not make it disappear.

A soft sigh left her lips and Cat brought her hand up and ran it along her face. She needed to know she was still there. Breathing… Hearing… Feeling…

(***)

_It's been a week since she emptied out the prescription bottle in the trash can beside her pink nightstand._

(***)

Something happened. And Cat didn't know why it got her worried.

It was her lunch period and she was sitting with Beck, Jade, Andre, Robbie, and Rex. She was in the middle of telling the story of the time her brother bit her foot for the fifth time that week, when Tori ran up to the table and announced that she had gotten the lead in the school musical.

Beck smiled, Andre hugged her, Jade growled and left the table causing Beck to apologize and go after her, Robbie congratulated her, and Rex made a comment about her skirt.

Cat clapped and said 'Yay!', but instead of smiling at her Tori tilted her head and gave her a strange look. "Your eyes are puffy. Have you been crying?"

_Her mask was slipping._

(***)

She wanted a cat. She didn't know why, but she just did. Perhaps she thought it would make her feel better, but she honestly didn't know.

Cat did hear that pets made people live longer… _Con._

She also heard they distracted people easily… _Pro._

(***)

It was a Persian. She named her Rainbow Glitter Fairy.

(***)

Robbie, Beck, and Andre helped her build a scratch post.

_Maybe it isn't a con._

(***)

R.I.P. Rainbow Glitter Fairy… _Con._

(***)

Cat was back to square one. Sitting alone in the dark.

It wasn't like no one offered her company. Tori invited her to watch a movie. The boys asked if she wanted to go to Karaoke Doke. Jade said she could help her pick out a new pair of scissors.

It didn't matter though because no one had offered her the words she wanted to hear the most.

Perhaps they were just busy.

(***)

It's 11:59 PM when Cat lights the candle on her cupcake and blows it out.

She doesn't make a wish.

(***)

It was Friday and Cat decided to take a bath. The smell of lavender filled the room, dancing on her nose and making her eyes flutter shut. It was the only thing Cat bothered to smell all day. Everything else just seemed so insipid. _She sank deeper into the water._

Maybe it was because early in the day Cat decided not to hide anymore. _The mask has fallen…_

She didn't smile once and when someone asked what was wrong she simply shrugged.

It befuddled everyone.

That didn't surprise Cat though. She knew they wouldn't understand. _They would never understand…_

Perhaps that's why the sky was gray. Everyone else thought it meant rain, but she knew better.

So later that day, when the clouds broke and the sun shined and everyone thought it was a miracle, Cat stayed quiet.

She liked to think of it as a sign from God himself. Maybe he was telling her to get up and endure life with a bright smile… Cat chose to view it the other way, so she let her head fall back and stare at the ceiling. Her eyelids closed and for the last time she smiled. She didn't know why, but she felt free. Free to be who she wanted to be, free to roam the world however she wanted, free to put life in a permanent pause.

The smile didn't fade as she let her body slide down and go under. She was being released, finally being able to decide what she wanted for herself. People could say that she gave up, but in her mind she knew she was done. She had achieved her mission. So for all the people who ask why she smiled… Well, why wouldn't she?

AN: Hey, so I promised another Victorious story though this one doesn't have a pairing. I hope you all liked it and if you did review and favorite!

-Karina


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